Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling like someone had taken something out of you?

Yesterday lunchtime, I was online with a group of leaders as part of Reboot Your Leadership, exploring how we can lead for the long haul with healthy wellbeing.

We talked about the importance of having good people around us. Cheerleaders and challengers who help us become our best selves, care for us through the toughest times and celebrate our successes. And we need to be this for others, too!

But then our conversation turned to a different type of person. One of the leaders gave them a label.

VDPs.

Very. Draining. People.

I'm sure you know exactly what we're talking about.

• They take, take, take, but rarely give.
• They want to tell you about their lives but show little interest in yours.
• They dump their baggage on you while refusing to take personal responsibility.
• The glass is always half empty.
• Every silver lining has a cloud.
• There's light at the end of the tunnel, but it's probably an oncoming train.
• If life gives you lemons, complain they're not oranges.

You get the idea?

It would be remarkable if we hadn't all encountered a few VDPs loitering around our lives. And spending too much time with them can drain our emotional tank and slowly extinguish our own light and energy.

So, how do we respond?

Firstly, let's make sure we're not those kinds of people ourselves.

May we be people who build others up rather than pull them down, who give as well as receive, take responsibility for our own lives and fuel hope rather than drain it.

Of course, we all need safe people we can turn to when life gets tough, let off steam with and have a good rant. That's healthy! But there's a difference between an occasional rant with someone we trust and becoming a serial ranter, where negativity is our default setting and everything we say drains those around us.

Secondly, let's remember that VDPs have a backstory.

No one is born a VDP. We're all shaped by our experiences and so it's understandably hard for some people to believe that anything is for them, when so much in life has been against them

Changing deeply ingrained patterns takes time, empathy, compassion and patient conversation. Thoughtful questions can help someone see things differently and find a new way forward. We may have a small but significant part to play in that journey.

Thirdly, let's establish healthy boundaries.

We need to recognise the impact certain people have on our lives. Sometimes that means stepping back from harmful relationships; sometimes it means staying present but being more careful about how much time and emotional energy we give.

We cannot be all things to all people, and we cannot fix anyone. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is stay close. Sometimes it's to ask a thoughtful question. And sometimes it's to recognise where our responsibility ends and theirs begins.

Leading well for the long haul means learning to care deeply for people without allowing ourselves to be completely drained by them.

So are you ready for continuing this conversation?

Yesterday's discussion was a great example of the honest, encouraging and practical learning that happens in Reboot Your Leadership.

If you're a Christian leader who wants to lead like you'd love to, I'd love to welcome you into the community. There are still a few places available with 25% off (use code 5OF25 on the Reboot Plus option), so if you've been thinking about joining us, now's the time to snatch one up! The next round of fortnightly Group Coaching kicks off on Friday 13th November.

Find out more at HERE and/or drop me a message back if you have any questions.